Things I’ve Learned From Watching COPS

Occasionally, I will find an episode of COPS on TV and watch it.  These are some things I’ve learned over the years.

• If you are in a 1960-1980’s model VW Bug, you cannot outrun the cops… you just can’t, so stop trying.
• Being lied to you by your spouse, significant other, child, parent, other family member or roommate is not a criminal offense, calling the police won’t help.
• If you are driving down the road and suddenly feel frisky, it is a really bad idea to pull over, get out of your car and have sex in a random stranger’s front yard.  This will get you arrested.
• If you are pulled over for a random traffic violation and you start the conversation with “Don’t tase me,” the traffic stop is not going to end well for you.
• If your drug dealer rips you off and you call the police, you should not be surprised when they arrest you.
• If you are drunk and decide to pee outdoors, using a police cruiser to help balance you, is not a good idea.
• Also, if you are driving and you fall the moment you get out of your car, no matter how hard you protest that you have not imbibed any alcoholic beverages, you are not going to be believed.
• If you have contraband in your car, you should obey all traffic laws.
• If you have a human shoved in your trunk, regardless of the reason, you should obey all traffic laws.  Also, even if the person or persons in the trunk swear that they are there of their own free will, you are going to be arrested.
• People occasionally ride in trunks, because they want to…
• If you call the police for help and they arrive to find you intoxicated and holding a gun, there’s a really good chance that they are going to treat you as a threat.