We all have those moments when someone says something to us or asks us something and we our brain becomes completely useless. The filter between our brain and mouth disappears and we say something incredibly stupid. For me, this chance is increased because I can’t take antidepressants of any kind, so I have spent close to two decades on a benzodiazepine to control my anxiety. For those that don’t know, benzos work for anxiety, because they lower inhibitions, which results in a weakened filter. This has led to some spectacular foot-in-mouth moments…
- One of my closest friends once sprang this question on me: Name a few things I’m good at. We were walking to lunch and it was completely out of the blue. My response: math and procreating. Thankfully, she understands me well enough to laugh about it… even now… I still haven’t lived it down. I have come up with a few other things she’s good at though.
- A friend once told me that she spent 2 hours fixing her hair and applying makeup before work. Before I could stop it, I said: That means you spend 520 hours a year getting ready for work, it only takes me about 100 hours to write a novel, imagine all the shit you could get done if you weren’t fixing your hair and applying makeup. She hung up on me and it actually took about a week for her to start talking to me again.
- A nephew called one night to talk about the fact that he was feeling down. My response: are you masturbating enough? Because if you aren’t, that can make you sad. Turns out he was having issues with a coworker. I was immediately forgiven because I startled him into laughing. However, I totally could have approached his feeling down a whole lot better and differently!
- I was an assistant to an epidemiologist for a handful of years. He was from Brazil and would swear at me in Portuguese from time to time. We both had tempers and when they flared, war would break out. One afternoon, we get into an argument about a document and how it should be checked. Both of us were convinced we are 100% right. After some serious swearing from both of us, I break out the big guns and shout: When you have hemorrhoid surgery next week, see if they can get the ones from your brain too. I said this loud enough that everyone in the office could hear… I was the only staff member that knew why he was off the following week. It ended the argument and we found a solution that worked for both of us, it was still embarrassing for him and I felt bad about it once I cooled off.
- I was at a gas station, buying cigarettes and a 1-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. This guy behind me smarts off and says “obviously you make healthy life choices.” I whipped around to look at him. He is wearing an orange construction vest, he’s so burnt he’s nearly purple, and he’s got a handful of junk food. I quipped back: I figure since I kill people for a living, smoking and soda are the least of my problems. However, you’re going to die of cancer long before I will if you don’t learn how to read so you can buy a bottle of sunscreen. Also, you are going to be eating ten times the amount of sugar in those processed cakes than I’m going to get from my Mountain Dew. So maybe you should re-evaluate your life choices before you judge anyone else’s. He just gaped at me open mouthed as I paid and left. He was the one who had the Moron Moment. The attendant on duty at the gas station reads my Dreams & Reality novels, so she thought it was hilarious when I told him I killed people for a living.
- At my wedding reception, someone I barely know, walked up and asked when I was due. My response: Over 36 years ago, if you want the details, you’ll have to ask my mom. I don’t remember it.
- Some friends of mine were arguing one night over something stupid (a guy). After listening to them go on and on about it for almost an hour, I said “Wish you two gave this much thought to your homework so I wouldn’t have to keep helping you with it.” This started a whole different argument about what a bitch I could be.
- In college, I did some tutoring on writing papers. I had a girl come in because she needed assistance writing a paper for a literature class. She had chosen to write about the symbology in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. After discussing it with her for several minutes, I asked “Have you actually read the book or just watched the Disney cartoon?” She responded with “It’s an actual book?” We didn’t get very far with her paper and I was never able to convince her that the ghosts who visited Scrooge were meant to be terrifying and stop him from condemning his soul to Hell.
- Finally, someone once asked me about my feelings about career pursuits. I rattled off a bunch of stuff and even managed to tie in stuff from the Childe Roland poem. Turned out, I was overthinking the matter, they just wanted to know if they should apply for a promotion or not. (For those that don’t know, I love the poem and I have a very different take on it than most… Once Roland reaches the Dark Tower, he’ll die, because he has nothing else to live for and yes, that was put into my comments on their career pursuits).
The really nice thing about moron moments is once they’ve passed, they are pretty funny. If they happen with a good friend, they can provide a lifetime of entertainment.