Lie About It


 

I’m attending an online Jamberry party this week for a friend.  Today was opening day and the consultant posted this:

Tell us how you met the hostess, but lie about it.

I literally spend all day and all night making shit up for a living.  That’s exactly what my job requires; me to convincingly lie to people, and be good enough at it that they can live in a different world for a short time.  Since people do pay me for this and it’s enough that I have to pay the federal and state government every year because of it… I’d say I’m decent at it.

Now, I belong to a Facebook group chat with the hostess and 4 other women I think, all of them attending the party (I can’t remember if it’s 5 with me or without me).  One person posts an answer and it’s a good one.  Definitely not something I could see our hostess doing.

I fire off next: We collaborated on a dino-erotica book in an attempt to make millions.  This is partially true.  I am trying to convince the hostess of this party that she needs to write the sex scenes and I’ll provide dialogue and plot so that she can quit her day job and travel more*.  But we met because we both play darts.

However… I had about a hundred reasons within a few minutes of that post of how we could have met.  All of them strange, bizarre, or absurd.  Some were a little dirtier than dino-erotica.  All of them were cracking me up.  So I’m sending them in the group chat for all of them to read.

This group of ladies is pretty used to me.  I have a strange sense of humor and I’m aware of it.  It’s sometimes dark and sometimes dirty.  Not everyone gets it or appreciates it.  This group does, it’s why they let me in the group chat.

The consultant does not know me very well.  Eventually I told her that I am a novelist and I literally make shit up for a living.  She responds with “I’ll make sure to have some more creative games then!”

I’m not sure you want to do that… Here’s some of my suggestions on how we met the hostess that the consultant didn’t see (and some that didn’t even make it into the group chat):

  • She offered to braid my pubes in prison (or She offered me $5 to let her braid my pubes).
  • We grabbed the same voodoo doll. Turns out we’d both gotten the Clap from the same guy and wanted revenge.
  • She offered to kidnap my husband and split the ransom money with me.
  • We met when we both auditioned as extras for the movie Strippers.
  • She sold me a defective dog, it just lays around and meows all day.
  • She cut in front of me at the Chinese restaurant and bought the last of the Crab Rangoon.
  • She accused me of barbecuing her cat, even though it was the other neighbor.
  • I stole her car, but it didn’t have much gas, so I took it back and offered to fix the damage for bus fare.
  • She was engaged to my brother and the day of the wedding, I caught her making out with my sister.
  • I saved her from starring in Sharknado 10 by slashing her tires, ensuring she missed the audition that I’d overheard her discuss with my neighbor.
  • I served her soup in a homeless shelter without making a fuss about the fact that she was wearing diamond earrings and obviously just looking for a free meal.
  • She kidnapped my husband, but I refused to pay the ransom, so she brought him back and asked if I would at least take her to dinner for putting up with him for six hours.
  • She was working as a hooker on the corner opposite a police station and I suggested she move down two blocks to the bar where she would get better paying customers.

Yeah, bring on the creative games… 🙂

*Note: The ladies that wrote the dino-erotica books as well as a few other non-mainstream erotica books were making 6 figures a month.

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