I’ve been thinking a great deal about why I’m not yet done with Flawless Dreams. I should be, but I’m not. It got me thinking about everything that happened this year and honestly, it was trying.
For those that don’t know, Fortified Dreams was written by the end of January 2016. It’s a good thing or it probably wouldn’t have released.
I started Botox for migraines, which has helped considerably with the number of migraine days as well as how severe they are. However, it also had an odd down side. It had been so long since I had long stretches of time without a migraine, that I didn’t know quite how to function. I know that sounds weird, but seriously, I went from fighting through migraines almost daily to not having but about 15 days a month with one. So on the days I didn’t have them, it was like “oh, what is this? What do I do since I’m not thinking my way around the pain? Can I even function like this?” I’m still getting used to it and I panic easier about a headache. Because headaches trigger migraines. So I get a little stressed and suddenly, I’m dropping everything because now I know what it’s like to not have a migraine every day and I absolutely do not want that headache becoming one. My neurologist has told me this is normal, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
From August 2016 to November 2017, I dealt with the chronic leg pain. Was it a vitamin deficiency? No, those were coming back normal. It wasn’t a circulation problem. Physical therapy didn’t help. I was on narcotics and then off of them more times than I could count and the only time I had any relief was when I was popping Percocet… The tramadol sucked for pain. Then I was told there was nothing wrong with them…
So, now I’m crazy and possibly a drug addict. I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. That scared me more than you could imagine. Was I really not in pain but craving the narcotics, so my mind was making up the pain? Should I talk to someone about rehab? I didn’t feel like an addict, but does an addict know they’re an addict? I already know the answer to that one, which terrified me even more.
I was literally having nightmares where I checked myself into rehab and then threw a clot in my leg because it turned out the vascular tests were wrong. And nightmares where I checked myself into a mental health facility because I was imaging that I was in pain and it had to be a mental problem. Then there were nightmares where I would dream my spine had broken doing something and I’d wake up in so much pain, I could barely move.
Yet, I was crazy, because the things that were wrong with me were all minor things and I have a high level of pain tolerance. I spent two months thinking I had lost my mind and the pain wasn’t real. I had been duped by my own brain into thinking the SI joint injections had worked then and they really hadn’t done anything because there was nothing for it to work on.
Then came the incident with Fentanyl. I got it at the ER in Hannibal. In both an IV and a 72-hour patch. I hallucinated. I projectile vomited. I was incoherent. Only after yanking the patch off after less than 24 hours and sleeping for 18, did I feel any better and then it was only slightly better. It took five days to recover from that. NEVER again will I take Fentanyl.
Now, I’m crazy and nearly died due to Fentanyl. How fucking fantastic is that?
Until I finally got a diagnosis: arthritis of the hips and SI joints leading to nerve inflammation at the base of my spine. Specifically the nerves that truncate in my lower legs. The doctor told me it was as if someone had stabbed me in the base of my spine and we had just left the blade in to continue to do damage, because it went untreated for so long.
Oh my god! I’m not crazy. I’m not a drug addict. My brain is not making up this pain. It really exists and they can do something about it!
I got another round of better targeted injections and wow! What a difference that made… The pain is almost zero all the time. My legs start to bother me after lots of activity, but they don’t just hurt all the time anymore. And the popping that I was experiencing every time I walked, which was a painful pop and grind, is just gone. I haven’t had it happen since the injections.
I can do stuff again. Stuff I enjoy. And I am so happy about it I could do a jig. I even went dancing. It was fantastic. The next day, I was a little sore, but I was not crying on my couch because I hurt so bad. Now, I have muscle soreness from time to time, but that is nothing like the pain I was experiencing in my legs and that soreness actually makes me feel better because it means that I’m using muscles I haven’t for over a year.
Besides, there were problems that I’m not even going to discuss on my blog. No one needs to know how bad my mental and physical state had gotten. I will admit that I became depressed because I was always in pain and believed I was crazy.
Yes, I’m behind on Flawless Dreams and it is looking slimmer and slimmer that I will get it done by the end of the year. For that, I am very sorry.
However, I feel better, physically and mentally than I have for over a year now. I’m still working on the depression and since I can’t take antidepressants, that’s been difficult, but my mood has been picking up now that the pain has stopped. Slowly, but surely, I am returning to normal.
I hope that is a large enough achievement for my readers. I promise Triggered Dreams will release on time (January 2017). I promise Flawless Dreams will release soon, I just don’t have an exact date. It needs some serious work because a lot of what I wrote is marred by pain and pain meds. I go back and try to fix it, but I think that just makes it worse. It might be one of the few books that need more than one draft.
Personally, I’m a little disappointed in myself. I had big plans for this year and 2017, but I failed to accomplish this year’s goals and I am going to have to scale back my plans for 2017.