Last night, I was feeling guilty as I put away laundry because I had big plans to work this week and only got a few chapters written. As I was trying to figure out why exactly I hadn’t achieved my goals, I turned and saw this lying on the clothes basket:
Oh it could have been so much worse and I know that. But looking at his burned shirt, I realized exactly why I hadn’t accomplished my goals this week.
It isn’t the nurse-maid stuff, that I can do in my sleep. It’s because every time I unwrap those wounds to apply cream and redress them, all I can think about is how much worse it could have been. The wounds he has are bad enough. They hurt. The big one on his chest is still missing most of the skin. And that left side… The sleeve really is missing, it’s not tucked into the shirt or hidden beneath, it’s just gone. Most of it melted. Only the top seam was left.
According to my sleep monitor on my CPAP, I’m only getting about 2 1/2 hours a night. Not because I’m not going to bed, although there is some of that, but because I’m awake a half dozen times at night. I keep dreaming that I have flopped over in my sleep and hit him with a flailing hand. I even do it when I nap and he isn’t in bed with me.
I find myself checking on him all the time. Does he need anything? Is he taking his pain meds? Did he remember to eat before he did?
Then when I finally do set down to write, after he’s gone to bed, I’m exhausted from a lack of sleep and Lola, who doesn’t like to play with me the way she does with him, suddenly wants to play because she has all this pent up energy. So, instead of writing, I spend an hour or two playing with her. By the time I get back to the computer to write, I can’t think of anything to put on the paper.
I don’t consider myself an emotionally driven person, but this week, everything has been about emotions, knee-jerk reactions, and when he does make me stop handling him with kid gloves, something happens and one of the burns gets hit or something and the kid gloves have to go back on, regardless of how he feels about them.