They say the only things that are certain are death and taxes, but I have noticed that there is another: you will have to deal with a stupid person at least once a month. I’m talking about that special kind of stupid where they open their mouth and you wonder how they’ve managed to live this long. That little nugget of information was not in the Manual for the Living.
As a matter of fact, I’ve noticed a lot of shit that they left out of the manual. The older I get the more I notice. So, I’ve started a special section specifically for things that aren’t in the manual. The inaugural post is going to be about a side effect of menopause (men this is relevant for you too).
I was warned about hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, changes in libido, and skin health changes. I was not warned about the changes to my wallet.
Before menopause, I got hot, but I could still comfortably hang out in jeans and T-shirt despite it being 100 degrees. Now, I do not require a hot flash to be uncomfortably hot. I just get hot and stay hot.
Two years ago, when this whole nightmare started, I had to give in and buy shorts. I blamed global warming, but it was really Hadena warming. I hadn’t owned shorts for over 2 decades because they hadn’t been necessary. Suddenly, they were definitely necessary and I had to fork over the cash to buy some because I was melting in the summer.
Fast forward to present day… Sunday, I found myself searching my closet for a tank top. Except, I don’t own any tank tops. I also don’t own any sleeveless shirts, peasant sleeve shirts, or what’s that other style of sleeve that’s really short, really light, and very open… yeah, I don’t own any of those either. So, I grabbed the only thing I could think of, my bathing suit top. I wear tankinis (my upper half and lower half are two different sizes, swimsuit shopping is a special sort of hell) and the upper part of my black swim suit got paired with a set of shorts because I was pretty sure I was turning into a molten mass of gooey fat and flesh.
I spent a few days thinking about my experience on Sunday. My heat tolerance is not getting better with age and menopause is only making it that much worse (and my gynecologist has said women who go through it in their 30s usually have worse side effects). That made me realize that I had two options; do nothing or buy some shirts that were lightweight, sleeveless or nearly sleeveless, and breathed, because no matter how much I love my T-shirts, they do allow air to pass through them very easily.
The gist is, I forked over a whole bunch of money for blousy, billowy, semi-sleeved or cami/tank top shirts in order to keep myself from become a puddle of gelatinous mass that sweats. These are not the type of shirts I would normally wear. For starters, they aren’t sporting band logos or funny sayings about writing. They are the type I think look good on the models, but I can’t see myself ever wearing… Until now.
Why didn’t the manual warn me that I was suddenly going to start requiring summer clothes? And that those clothes were not going to be cheap? My T-shirts are usually less than $20 a piece. Not these things, they are much more expensive… And I now understand why, women have to buy them. We have no choice. At some point, we are going to start requiring clothing that is well made and allows air flow.
And this, guys, is why your menopausal wife is suddenly dropping $600 on shirts without sleeves and sundresses and camis that do not require coverups and look like they might be see through. It isn’t about fashion or even looking nice, it’s because they are freakin’ hot.