Groupon Thinks I Need

Changing gears rather suddenly this week, we’ll go with a lighter post… Shit Groupon is pretty sure I can’t live without.

I use Groupon to get decent deals on promo items.  I’ve used it for book cover throw blankets, canvas posters with a book cover or assortment of covers, VistaPrint deals, and what not.  Then I installed the app on my phone and now I get daily notices of things Groupon thinks I’ll like.

10.  An emulsifier – um, sure?  Wait, what?  What is an emulsifier and why do I need it? (Seriously, I don’t know)

9.  The super Juicer – I’ve discussed this before… I don’t juice things.  I like my kale to be in kale form.  I like my cucumbers to be in cucumber form.  I like my spinach… You get the picture.  Mangled and mixed together is not how I prefer these things to go into my digestive system.

8.  The 6-pack of Sports Bras – This is actually not a bad deal, but they never come in my size.  My conclusion is that to be able to wear a sports bra, one must already be in shape (in other words, not a size 38 around the chest) and not actually have things to put in them, except maybe iPods and bra-wallets.  Maybe if I bought the super juicer, I would eventually be able to buy the sports bra 6-pack.

7.  Diamond Jewelry – Um, Groupon, I’m allergic to metal, almost all of it.  I can do silver/aluminum alloys, but they can’t have any other metals in them.  I’m even allergic to hematite, which is technically a magnetic rock.  So, yeah, I don’t wear jewelry of any kind…

6.  Emoji T-Shirts – Okay, I may not wear the most fashionable stuff, but even I have limits and it turns out emoji t-shirts are on the other side.  I do not need a smiley face on my shirt all day.  That would give the wrong impression… I would wear a t-shirt with tastefully done blood stains.

5.  Wine – Groupon must think I’m an alcoholic because the top picks of the day for me are always wine clubs.  I actually don’t drink much and I certainly do not need to join a wine club… I have a bottle left from New Year’s.  It can take me a year or more to get through a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, even with help and my favorite adult beverage being Bailey’s and Coke (it’s like an alcohol fueled float, but looks like someone yakked in a cup).  I’m also very picky about wine.

4.  Anti-fatigue Kitchen Mats – I’m a writer, not a chef.  I spend as little time in the kitchen as humanly possible.  I do enjoy cooking, I just don’t do it very often and if I’m juicing two meals a day, do I really need an anti-fatigue kitchen mat anyway… how long does that juicer take?

3.  Aprons – Um, no.  Maybe when they invent aprons for doing laundry, I’ll buy one.  I do occasionally splash even the splashless bleach.  However, the sheer cotton with no real protective layer is not going to save me from the bleach and see above for how much time I spend in the kitchen.

2.  Speaking of the Bra Wallet – It has been on there lately.  I have hygiene concerns about a bra wallet and have actually refused to take money from someone who dug around in their bra to get it out.  If you can’t be bothered to carry a purse, I get it… That’s why I carry a man’s trifold wallet. (There is also a gun holster that hooks to the front of your bra which raises safety concerns for me, but is not currently available as a Groupon deal)

1.  The Super Coffee Maker – It froths milk and/or cream, boils water, and can make sixty types of coffee house coffees from cappuccinos to espressos, but I don’t drink coffee.  However, if I did, I still probably wouldn’t find a use for this.  I love gizmos and gadgets, but a coffee maker should not have more buttons than the remote control for my satellite dish.

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  1. TV

     /  April 27, 2016

    At least you have a remote, my mom has managed to loose it 3 times in the last week and takes me hours to find.. Can I just have the TV with the dial knobs back please?? pretty please.. I like racer back bras and t shirts but they don’t come in my sizes either after the cancer surgery one side is different from the other and they just make it more noticeable.. This is why I have a DUMB PHONE No apps.. that way I can miss all the lovely deals I can’t afford anyway.. hahah good luck getting rid of em.. ;o}

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure what we did before cellular/digital phones – we sure didn’t get asked to buy things like sports bras with wallets…..Lol on the people who have tried to hand you money after it’s been in their bra…that’s just so trashy …..

    Liked by 1 person


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