Why Am I Still Awake?!?

It’s roughly 2:15 am as I write this.  I have to get up in 5 hours.  There’s a busy day ahead of me; a charity dart tournament.  I’m slated to actually get a chance to play in every event.  If my body can hold out.

Which is what is keeping me awake.  Last year, I could have played every event with no problems.  At the end of the day, my feet might have hurt from all the standing, but that pales in comparison to the weird, almost phantom pain that plagues me now.

However, it is for charity.  I want to support the charity involved with more than just a few dollars of donations.  I’m a pretty good dart player.  I win events and at charity tournaments, I donate my winnings back.

Tonight, I took second place in the first blind draw.  My partner and I even beat out my SO for a chance at the finals.  No small feat.  He’s been playing for 25 years.  He’s a great shot and he has more consistency than I do.  However, we got to cricket (a game of pure skill) and I was on.  My strategy is sound, I had good teachers.  I kept ahead on points so that my partner could work on other numbers.  It was necessary when playing against someone like my SO.  I hate to see him lose, but I do love to beat him.

However, in the second blind draw, my partner and I went down to my SO.  He and his partner whipped our asses.  Granted they couldn’t miss.  But I missed a lot, far more than I should have.  Far more than I normally average.  Why?  Because I had hit that wall during our game.  I was getting very tired.  I was starting to hurt; my legs and back were beginning to ache and all I could think about was sitting down by the second leg.

How on earth am I going to keep up today?  I don’t know.  An apology should be issued to all my partners now, before we even start.  I have the jitters worrying that I’m going to drag them down.  I will be the weakest link.

Days like today, I find myself pissed off.  Why am I getting worse at what seems to be the speed of light?  In December, I could have played all day without a second thought.  A mere four months later and I can’t manage two blind draws without feeling like I’ve been run over by a bus and then all the passengers jumped out and beat me with baseball bats.  Just what the fuck is my body doing to itself?!?

And I feel bad whining about it.  There are people much worse than me and I’m whining because I can’t play darts all day.  I should be thankful that I can play at all.  That guilt only feeds the anger though.  It’s a counterproductive cycle that I need to break, but I’m not sure how yet.  Possibly because I have only been dealing with it for a few months.  Acceptance comes with time and answers, I’ve been dedicating the time for the tests and exams, but I haven’t been getting answers.  That’s the worst part, a lack of answers.  At least a few of these tests should be leading us in a direction that solves the problem.  It’s like entering some strange form of purgatory…


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  1. This sounds a lot like my mom’s Fibromyalgia symptoms. She has days where she feels very energized and other days where she can barely get out of bed and feed herself. I really hope the doctors come up with an answer for you soon. You do the best you can and hopefully you will do okay. It’s also a good reminder to all of us that good health is something we should be thankful everyday.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. TV

     /  April 10, 2016

    some times a weak link is needed to prevent the whole from being dragged off the Mountain also.. If you give it your best, and yea that means if you cheer someone on when in pain, you are giving it your best, hold your head HIGH congrats all around, it’s for CHARITY Not the world cup ! think of the charity, what if you just ignored it??? Right, not happening, so suck it up, do your best then bed and meds when done.. I have faith in you.. you need to put this in perspective no one dies if you miss,… unless you really aim off then that is generally considered premeditated.. anyway.. just put another dollar in the Jar and be graceful to those that hahah we beat YOU.. you can beat them in other ways later.. ;o}

    Liked by 1 person


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