Yesterday, I was poking around a women’s magazine and I had the revelation that I’m clueless. I might actually have more in common with Nadine Daniels than I originally thought. It has been said to me that Nadine is a bumbling heroine, this isn’t how I perceive her. I perceive her as a middle aged woman who has jumped off the “womanhood train” some time earlier and is now too tired to get back on it. Here’s a list of examples to help clarify:
- What the hell is a thigh gap? – Is it some sort of strange undergarment that shapes your thighs? Should I consider buying one?
- Waxing anything – I once had someone pluck my eyebrow. This was by far the single most painful experience I have ever endured. So, the person who plucked my eyebrow said “Well, we still have to do the other one, let’s wax it.” Um, let’s not. She literally sat on me, applied wax to my eyebrow, and ripped it out. Perhaps I just have sensitive eyebrows, but it will never ever ever happen again. A friend recently said “Let’s go get our eyebrows threaded.” We haven’t spoken since she spouted that lunacy.
- More on Beauty – There is a whole list of things my friends are convinced I should try to improve my beauty: exfoliating my skin, whitening my teeth, applying some sort of strange tape to my chin to lift my jowls, night creams, eye creams, eyelash extensions, hair extensions, and this pair of underwear with fake butt cheeks in it… Why do I need any or all of this? I get the exfoliating, I’m not a complete freak, but that’s where it stops for me. If I wanted longer hair, I’d just grow it out. I’m too lazy to change into real clothing every day, why would I spend an hour applying tape, night creams, and eye creams before I go to bed? Also, that’s on top of putting in my night guard and setting my eye mask (about 1 minute of my life gone if I have to adjust the mask). What are eyelash extensions? Finally, why on earth do I need underpants with fake butt cheeks? My SO lives with me. He knows what my rear end looks like, a fake butt isn’t going to fool him and do I really need to plump up my ass to attract the attention of others at this point in my life? I was told it was stylish. Uh… sure. Still not buying them.
- If you ever wonder why you’re broke, think about the cost of razors. – Between waxing, plucking, threading, tweezing, shaving, Nair, electrolysis, and laser hair removal, we spend a lot of money on hair removal. I’m not entirely sure I understand why. This shit is expensive. A good package of razors is $30, possibly more, depending on where you live. And I know that I can get more than one shave out of a razor, but a package doesn’t last me a year and I’m not real great about keeping my legs shaved, especially in the winter… I can’t imagine what other women spend on hair removal (I spent over $300 last year).
- Why do I have to read or watch romance? – I watch some rom-com, I read some rom-com, but I admit, I mostly watch it. I have some actresses I love, like Sandra Bullock. So, why do I have to read & enjoy The Notebook? I have attempted to read a Nicholas Sparks book and it just wasn’t for me. I also didn’t make it through the movie. I have never seen Titanic, but I loved The Importance of Being Earnest. That should be good enough, but my girlfriends are always trying to push movies off on me (or books) and heaven forbid I admit I have not watched Titanic.
- The majority of my girlfriends wear colors, I wear black – No, I’m not depressed or in morning. I just prefer black T-Shirts to green, red, pink, orange, white, or any other color you can think of. Black is a lot more forgiving when you drop salsa on it than any of the other colors mentioned.
- Handbags & Shoes – I own a couple pairs of shoes. I own zero handbags. I do have a backpack and a wallet, a man’s wallet. When I carry a handbag, I tend to forget it or get the strap hung on things. I certainly do not match my handbags to my shoes. I’m not even sure I could color coordinate an outfit that would require a matching handbag and shoes.
- There is a tape you put on your face at night to tighten the skin as you sleep… – WTF? I realize I already mentioned this, but seriously ladies, we are now taping our faces in place at night? How exactly does that work? What exactly is it supposed to do? What does it really do?
- Shaving our feet – Have you seen the commercials for the feet shavers? The ones that take the dead skin off your feet? I don’t really understand that. When did dry feet become such a problem that we decided we needed to shave the skin off them? Isn’t that what lotion is for?
- Finally, why is this only women? – I have never seen a man use a foot shaver in the commercials. When was the last time your man came to bed wearing night cream with tape on his face to hold things in place, after going through some sort of ritual torture to remove the hair from his chest, back, butt crack, and/or eyebrows and complaining about not having enough thigh gap?
Just some thoughts from a middle aged woman who doesn’t get it.