The problem with chasing rabbits is that sometimes you fall down the rabbit hole too. This term means something different for everyone, for me, it means chasing things that don’t exist or don’t exist in the way I believe them to exist. Falling into the rabbit hole means I have lied to myself enough to convince myself that it is real.
Recently, I discovered myself at the bottom of a rabbit hole. I had chased a rabbit there, of that I was sure, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what the rabbit had been. Slowly over the last week or so, I have been unraveling the path that put me at the bottom of the hole and found my elusive rabbit.
Now, with my belly full of dread, I must figure out what to do with the rabbit. It is making me ill, physically and emotionally, so it can’t possibly be good for me. Yet, chopping off its head and throwing it into a pot to make rabbit stew seems a little callous, even for me.
For the record, my rabbit was a friendship. And until about a week ago, I was still convinced it was real. However, with the battering my body took the weekend of my birthday still weighing on me physically, I had time for reflection. Reflection brought clarity, but it has not brought resolution.
It is even possible that the so-called friendship is what caused my body to give out on me. Stress does strange things to the body and there is definitely a lot of stress involved. The stress continues, which makes me wonder if that is why I’m not healing as fast as the doctors had thought I would. In theory, I should be doing cartwheels and instead, I’m still shuffling along, hoping it gets better soon.
However, if it’s stress, it won’t get better until I remove the stressor. That is going to be very difficult. In fact, it is going to require some inner Zen to make it work because I cannot physically remove the stressor at this point in time. I have always been good at removing emotion using logical thoughts. I can stop panic attacks using the technique. It requires me to look at something as though it were a puzzle to be figured out and conquered. I’ve almost gotten it… almost. The puzzle is being decoded and with each new layer that gets removed, I feel a little less stressed.
The parts I can’t remove though, those are doozies. Human relationships are complicated and complex and rarely do they involve just two people. This situation is no different. There are more involved than just me and my rabbit. And I can foresee some nasty consequences with this untangling. I do not want to damage any relationships on either side. That would be unfair to both me and my rabbit.
We shall have to wait and see how this rabbit chase ends…