The Reason I do not Write (nor read) Erotica


WARNING:  CONTAINS GRAPHIC ADULT CONTENT

Ok, if you’re still reading, you must like graphic adult content.  Everyone thinks I’m anti-romance, anti-erotica because I don’t write or read it.  That isn’t it.  My brain does weird things when confronted with romance and erotica and I can’t explain it, I have to show it.  So, here goes….

What is Written:  He showed up with flowers and a box of candy.  She examined both before throwing her arms around him and forgiving him.

What my brain does to it:  He showed up with flowers and a box of candy.  She examined both before throwing them away.  He could have poisoned one of them or both of them.  As he huffed off, she wondered if she’d ever see him again.

Written:  He thrust his throbbing, veiny member into her tenderest parts.  Her lips parted as her body shook with desire.

My Brain:  He thrust his throbbing, veiny member into her tenderest parts.  Her lips parted as her body shook because he’d made her take her socks off and it was like having sex in an igloo.

Written:  “Do you like that baby?”  “Oh yes, give it to me harder.”

My Brain:  “Do you like that baby?”  “Meh, it’s okay.  It would be better with more lube and a vibrator.”

Written:  “What do you want me to do with you?”  Instructions given.

My Brain: “What do you want me to do with you?”  “Well if you can’t figure it out, I’m not going to draw you pictures.  Use your imagination.  Why do I always have to figure out what you are supposed to do to me?  Fuck it, I’m off to watch Ancient Aliens and eat some popcorn.”

Written:  His body shuddered.  His eyelids fluttering.  His back arched so far, it looked as if his spine would break.  The strength of his orgasm was like the releasing of flood waters from a dam.

My brain:His body shuddered.  His eyelids fluttering.  His back arched so far, it looked as if his spine would break.  “Um, dude, are you having a stroke or something?  Should I call emergency services?  That can’t possibly be comfortable or normal.”

Written:  He grabbed her roughly by the hair, pulling her into him. He pressed his lips against hers, forcing her to open her mouth or risk cutting her lips on her teeth.  She opened to him.

My brain:He grabbed her roughly by the hair, pulling her into him. He pressed his lips against hers, forcing her to open her mouth or risk cutting her lips on her teeth.  She opened her mouth, allowing him to enter, then blew into his mouth.  He pulled away.  “Did you just belch?”  He asked.  “No, I blew air in your mouth to stop you from kissing me.  If you want a kiss, that’s fine, but you don’t have to break my goddamn teeth in the process.  Mood ruined, asshole.”

The problem is for me that romance and sex are both comedic acts.  If your spouse is always bringing home flowers and chocolates, then when you get them, it isn’t a big deal and takes the romantic gesture out of it.  However, if they never do it and suddenly bring home flowers and chocolates the first thought is “What the hell is going on?”.  I went on a date and decided afterwards to go get ice cream because it was hot.  My ice cream melted faster than I could eat it and I ended up wearing a good portion of it, especially after I dropped the cup, full of melted ice cream, into my lap.  His romantic gesture at the debacle was to cover his seats in napkins and my ice cream covered body sat on napkins all the way home.  When I got out of the car, the napkins were freaking stuck to my legs.  We didn’t have another date.  I went out on a couple of dates with a guy who was “mysterious” and it turned out he wasn’t, I just had trouble figuring out what he was saying because his Russian accent was so thick.  Once I got used to the accent, I realized he was really self-absorbed…

And I have never had sex like it happens in books.  First, if some mysterious stranger breaks into my house and stares at me, I’m thinking rapist not “fun times.”  Second, people make noises.  Unnatural, weird, and strange noises and not all of them come from the throat.  Third, not all of us, actually most of us, are not yoga instructors.  We don’t bend like they do in books.  Also, someone grabs us by the hips and flips us over “roughly” the word “ouch” is coming out of our mouths.  And it may not be just us yelping in pain, as our legs and feet flop when we are “roughly” flipped.

Also, couples are really good about having fun in the sack that doesn’t have anything to do with having sex.  I have a married friend, her and her husband were in the groove and he suddenly starts talking like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.  It was funny (it was even funnier when she told me), but it was definitely a mood killer.  Bill Engvall does a skit about his dogs bringing back his wife’s panties when he’s trying to be sexy and throw them across the room.  I get it.  Another friend and her husband had the cat grab onto his foot while they were making love because it was moving under the blanket… But the blanket wasn’t thick enough to stop those claws.

So, yeah, I just don’t get it, my brain doesn’t get the fantasy of romance or erotica because the real thing is funny as hell.  Kudos to all those that can read it and not treat it like a Mad Lib!

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3 Comments

  1. I freaking LOVE this post! Yes, I’m an erotica writer, but I get it… I’ve never experienced sex and romance either… and most of my sexual encounters either begin or end in laughter… but that’s part of the fun 😉 Sex without a sense of humor is just…. dull! Thanks for sharing this great post 😀

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  2. Maria D.

     /  September 2, 2015

    Lol…this is hilarious! I think weird thoughts too when reading erotica though I do still read “romance” books – though lately not as many as I used to. The dialogue in books is just not realistic – people don’t talk like that…and your friends with the cat…that had to hurt

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Oh this is all so true…. I truely believe if given the choice most women would rather have chocolate … Or the ice-cream… than jump into bed, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for longer than 2 months. The language used by some authors when describing the act is so hilarious. I havn’t laughed so much in ages, your post is so on the mark …. thanks

    Liked by 1 person

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