Secret Sins

I’m always a little disappointed when Celebrity Gossip is trending above major world events. However, yesterday’s trend was on celebrity hygiene.  We all like to think of ourselves as being hygiene gurus, but the truth is, we all have our secret hygiene sins.  Why?  Because we are all human.

So, in the spirit of shaming celebrities, I thought I’d offer up a list of 5 hygiene things that I am lazy about:

5.  I hate shaving.  I don’t know who or why someone decided women needed to shave their legs, underarms, and nether regions, but I’m convinced they should be shot… with a rocket propelled grenade launcher.  Men have the choice of whether to shave their faces or not.  I don’t know any men that deals with the hair on their chests, backs, pubic regions, or asses.  And a majority can’t be bothered with their nose hairs or ear hairs.  Yet we women are expected to keep our legs smooth as silk, our underarms stubble free, and our nether regions either shaved or trimmed.  This is on top of any other cosmetic waxing, shaving, plucking, threading, or other torturous beauty regimens, because let’s face it, we get chin hairs, light dustings of mustaches, side burns, bushy eyebrows, and a small, very unlucky part of the female population has nipple hair.  So, as I was saying, I hate shaving… meaning I don’t do it nearly as often as the man in my life would like.  If I’m not going to be wearing shorts, there’s a good chance that my legs haven’t been shaved in a while.  If the hair isn’t sticking out the sleeve of my T-shirt, it’s short enough for now.  I shave my legs every couple of weeks during the summer and from November to March, I don’t even attempt to touch them with a razor.  Shaving dries them out so badly, that the skin hurts and even lotion doesn’t help.  I shave my underarms about once a week.  I will not discuss my nether regions however, that’s just a blatant case of TMI.  And my eyebrows will just have to be bushy.  They’ve been waxed, once.  Two people had to sit on me to get the second eyebrow done… I was more willing to look stupid than let them attempt to wax the second one.

4.  I will wear my socks more than one day in a row.  If I’m not showering that day, I’m not changing my socks, end of story.  My feet don’t smell and it isn’t like I do much more than walk on my carpet, so I see no need to change them everyday.  I also sleep in socks.

3.  I don’t brush my hair everyday… or even most days.  I sleep with it in a ponytail.  When I wake up, I adjust the hairs that have gone awry and put it back in a ponytail without ever touching a brush.  Even after washing it, I don’t always brush it.  I have fine hair, brushing it is futile, it’s just going to tangle within a half-hour anyway.  I could spend that ten minutes doing other things.

2.  I believe in the concept of “clean enough.”  This means that if it doesn’t smell and doesn’t look dirty, it’s clean enough to be worn again.  This particularly applies to my pajamas, which I will wear three or four days in a row, depending on whether I can smell them or not.

1.  I don’t brush my teeth. I gave up that habit some time ago.  I was once told, by a dentist, that even if I brushed twice a day, my teeth were still going to fall out of my head, they might even do it faster since I have almost no enamel on them anyway.  Between clonazepam, Chaugrin’s, and bad genetics (orthoblahblah imperfectus), I have reached the stage where brushing my teeth causes them to chip, break, and loose little parts.  I use mouth wash regular and occasionally suck on a Tic-Tac, but the truth is, none of that covers up the smells that come from not brushing your teeth and having a disorder that causes constant dry mouth and I’m a smoker… My advice, don’t lean in to let me whisper something to you.

We are human and therefore, imperfect, even (or especially?) in the hygiene department.

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