Healthy & Unhealthy Relationships

Someone recently recommended I read a book about healthy relationships.  I did peruse it, but the truth is, it seemed to have been written by a wanker who was more concerned with making everyone feel like their relationships are dysfunctional than actually helping anyone.

I completely believe that to have a “healthy” relationship, there has to be some dysfunction to it.  My SO and I don’t fight about big things.  We never fight about money, life choices, or other “important stuff.”  We’ve got that worked out.  We fight about small stuff… You know they say “don’t sweat the small stuff,” well, if we didn’t, we would never fight.  Our fights occur when we have to do a manual labor project together.  That’s like opening the gates of Hell and letting the demons come forth.  I am awkward, clumsy, and not mechanically inclined.  He is the exact opposite.  But I read directions and he doesn’t.  So for us to have to move something or build something or put something together as a couple is also a disaster.  I end up screwing it up, then I get mad and resent him for making me do it and he gets mad that I screwed it up and then resents my resentment… We end up shouting at each other in epic fashion.  We fight about laundry.

It takes us an hour to figure out where we are going to dinner, because we do this:

“Where do you want to go?”   “I don’t care, where ever.”    “How about Place A?”   “Nah, not really in the mood for that.”   “Ok, then what do you want?”   “I don’t care.”   “Obviously, you do… You rejected Place A.”   “We ate it last week, let’s go somewhere different.”    “Place B?”   “Meh, what about Place C?”    “I don’t like Place C.  How about D?”   “Well, we’ll just go to Place A”

No roles were assigned there because we both do it.

Picking movies is just as problematic.  I love action, horror, and sci-fi… He loves comedy, likes action, and can pretty much leave the rest.  I’m not much on comedy (I don’t get it and as a result, most of it isn’t funny… For example, I really enjoyed The Heat with Bullock and McCarthy… He sort of enjoyed it, but he loves every Adam Sandler movie ever made and I like 3 of them – The Longest Yard, Grown-ups, and Grown-ups 2).   He gets tired of watching action films much faster than me.  And we like different kinds of action… There isn’t a racing movie he hasn’t seen.  I want blood and gore.  On movie nights, we spend a half hour watching trailers on Vudu or Amazon before one of us gives in and we “agree” on something.  The last two have been Nightcrawler and Wild Card.  All I can say for Nightcrawler is that Jake should have given into the urge and become a serial killer.  All I can say for Wild Card is that Statham has had worse movies.

We both love darts.  We both love clip shows.  We both love camping.  We both love Whose Line is it Anyway?.  We both prefer to order dinner in than actually go deal with a crowded restaurant.  That’s where our mutual loves end.  I’m a book girl.  He’s a movie guy and he doesn’t seem to like talking about my books, at all.  He’ll listen, but he always looks dreadfully bored and slightly afraid.

However, there are some big things that we don’t have: Jealousy doesn’t exist in our relationship.  I’m never jealous about his female friends.  He’s never jealous of my guy friends.  Insecurity doesn’t exist.  We are both comfortable with ourselves, each other, and our relationship.  We aren’t clingy.  I’m a shut-in by nature, as is he, but come racing season, he’ll be gone several nights a week, working on the car, going to the track, helping his racer.  I have girls’ nights, which I love.

We don’t aspire to be the perfect couple.   We aspire to be what we are and make the relationship work.  And as odd and strange as it is… It works.

One day, I’ll talk about my previous relationships and prove what an “unhealthy relationship” looks like (one of my ex-boyfriends, became an ex when he got his half-sister pregnant while we were dating… that’s an unhealthy relationship).

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1 Comment

  1. You are so right – every relationship is different and when a couple is mutually respectful of who the other person is…that works



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